Timmy Mallett…..genius, artist, raconteur and sensual lover. A well remembered and loved entertainer of our childhood. Still performs the occasional gigs for student unions, has his own production company Brilliant TV and still plays with his pinky-punky. Who can forget his cockatiel Magic, with it’s innovative “cage cam” – what better person to invite to a B3ta bash? So I wrote to him……
Dear Mr Mallett,
Firstly let me just say how sorely you are missed from our television sets. The shirts that contravened the Geneva Convention, the catchphrase “Bleurgh”, your small pink-tipped tool and your Magic Cock Cam™ are some of my strongest memories of an idyllic childhood, second only to losing my virginity at the age of 9 to the neighbour’s daschund, Charlie, with his silky fur and sensual tongue.
What Saturday was complete without the Wide Awake Club? I would lie there for hours, giggling with mirth at your antics, laughing uproariously at Tommy Boyd’s hair and furtively touching myself to Michaela Strachan.
Then it got better, ITV unloaded that humourless piece of rodent scum Roland The Rat off to the BBC paving the way for you, Timmy, to come into my life everyday courtesy of Wacaday. It was, of course, “Utterly Brilliant!” My life was lost in a whirl of hammers, laughing and bright colours – not in fact dissimilar to many of Peter Sutcliffe’s victims…
Anyway, after the show, I would lie there, satiated and spent, too comfortable to do anything until I was rudely brought back to full awareness by the Why don’t you? theme, at which point I would utter a panicked scream and flee downstairs for breakfast.
So Timmy, I write to you now with a request: I am a regular poster/contributor to B3ta.com, a art/comedy website defined by the Guardian as a “puerile digital arts community” (but that’s the Guardian for you Timmy, they won’t be happy until we’re all tree-hugging sandal wearing lesbians. Except for those who are already lesbians, they’ll be expected to plug up their genitals and get down to the serious business of running the country). At various times we b3tans meet up at various hostelries around the country to have a few drinks and a laugh or so, and I thought that I would surprise them by trying to arrange a little bit of entertainment for the evening. What could be finer, thought I to myself, whilst stroking my goatee in a thoughtful manner, than having the wonderful Mr Mallett there for the night. We could play “Mallett’s Mallet”, we could go “bleurgh”, we could finally find someone with a slightly worse dress sense than ourselves.
I see from your website that you still do the occasional gig (in fact, I shall be doing my utmost to see you at Chicago’s in Norwich in April) and without a thought for my own personal safety, would really like to hire/book your talents for the evening. Do you charge by the hour or by the night? Do you expect dinner and drinks as well? Would you consider performing a gig for us? I cannot tell you how much we would all enjoy it.
I hope to hear back from you soon Timmy, your fans miss you.
Marc “I miss you, Charlie” Crane
Now we wait……..